Oct 31, 2014
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Threat level Vegemite

Transmission from Knuxcorp Towers:
S.A.L.A.D. (Snack And Lunch Authorization Division) requests intelligence on reputed Australian culinary criminal known as Vegemite. Recruiting trio of agents to launch thorough investigation.

Suspect profile:

All agents will need to become familiar with this dossier, as well as list of known accomplices (toast, cheese).

Known facts about Vegemite:
When it comes to Vegemite, the less you eat, the better.

  • Some kind of paste
  • Made from some kind of yeast
  • Invariably described as an acquired taste
  • Beloved in Australia
  • Despised elsewhere
  • Not Marmite
  • Like Marmite
  • Scrape, don’t spread!

 

Suspect is reported to have been using disguises to infiltrate international larders. Recorded identities:


Vegemite spotted in Antarctica
Alias: Unknown. After being tracked down in Antarctica, Vegemite slipped through investigators’ fingers when a nearby American research station exploded. Vegemite is wanted in connection with the suspicious deaths of several scientists immediately prior to the accident.

 

Alias: Vegemijo "Cabinet" Sanchez
Alias: Senor Vegemijo “Cabinet” Sanchez, spotted in Guadelajara by local journalists.

Alias: Vegemijo "Cabinet" Sanchez

S.A.L.A.D. is uncertain as to the reason for Vegemite’s appearance in Central America, as it appears never to have had any business in the area.

 

ALERT: Vegemite has been disguising itself as Nutella in American kitchens
Alias: Nutella. Vegemite has been known to disguise itself as a popular chocolate hazelnut spread, presumably for nefarious purposes.

 

Reluctant agent resources utilized for investigation:

Codename Knuckle Salad
Codename:

Knuckle Salad

Blogger / instigator.

John
Codename:

Jern

Previous missions:
Knuckle Salad vs. Natto (failed); Knuckle Salad vs. Wiener Winks (dubiously successful).

Diana
Codename

Sweet D

Daring and analytical. And daring.

Footage recovered from the mission:

Updated dossier:

  • Suspect less foodlike than anticipated
  • Salty; very salty indeed
  • Ruthlessly weaponizes flavor of despair
  • In order to produce adequately thin “scrape” of Vegemite as advised by HQ, agents may require aid of commercial microscope and precision tools
  • Slightly more tolerable when flavor is masked with honey, in the way that a dirty foot with honey tastes better than plain foot

Investigators’ report to S.A.L.A.D:

Mission successful. Suspect neutralized to back of pantry.

Request for additional intelligence:

Minimum security clearance required to aid in supplemental investigation: If one were to slather oneself in Vegemite, would the salt in fact leach moisture from the body, rendering one a helpless Vegemummy? S.A.L.A.D. requests this intelligence earnestly from all citizens wishing to help defend the world from sticky death paste. Your cooperation is appreciated.

Signing off.

About Kristina

Kristina Ackerman is a busy freelance web designer, living and DIYing with her fella and their little fella in a cute old house in Atlanta, GA, USA.
  • http://twitter.com/akabaka uosuıʌ ǝoɾ

    HOW did I miss the natto experiment?

    • http://knucklesalad.com Kristina Ackerman

      Ha! It was easy to miss because there was never a post about it. It was just in the sidebar for a while.

  • http://twitter.com/GayleCochrane Gayle Cochrane

    Kraft doesn’t make beer – pretty much sums it up. Fun.