Transmission from Knuxcorp Towers:
S.A.L.A.D. (Snack And Lunch Authorization Division) requests intelligence on reputed Australian culinary criminal known as Vegemite. Recruiting trio of agents to launch thorough investigation.
All agents will need to become familiar with this dossier, as well as list of known accomplices (toast, cheese).
- Some kind of paste
- Made from some kind of yeast
- Invariably described as an acquired taste
- Beloved in Australia
- Despised elsewhere
- Not Marmite
- Like Marmite
- Scrape, don’t spread!
Suspect is reported to have been using disguises to infiltrate international larders. Recorded identities:
Alias: Unknown. After being tracked down in Antarctica, Vegemite slipped through investigators’ fingers when a nearby American research station exploded. Vegemite is wanted in connection with the suspicious deaths of several scientists immediately prior to the accident.
S.A.L.A.D. is uncertain as to the reason for Vegemite’s appearance in Central America, as it appears never to have had any business in the area.
Reluctant agent resources utilized for investigation:
Footage recovered from the mission:
- Suspect less foodlike than anticipated
- Salty; very salty indeed
- Ruthlessly weaponizes flavor of despair
- In order to produce adequately thin “scrape” of Vegemite as advised by HQ, agents may require aid of commercial microscope and precision tools
- Slightly more tolerable when flavor is masked with honey, in the way that a dirty foot with honey tastes better than plain foot
Investigators’ report to S.A.L.A.D:
Mission successful. Suspect neutralized to back of pantry.
Request for additional intelligence:
Minimum security clearance required to aid in supplemental investigation: If one were to slather oneself in Vegemite, would the salt in fact leach moisture from the body, rendering one a helpless Vegemummy? S.A.L.A.D. requests this intelligence earnestly from all citizens wishing to help defend the world from sticky death paste. Your cooperation is appreciated.