Threat level Vegemite

Transmission from Knuxcorp Towers:
S.A.L.A.D. (Snack And Lunch Authorization Division) requests intelligence on reputed Australian culinary criminal known as Vegemite. Recruiting trio of agents to launch thorough investigation.

Suspect profile:

All agents will need to become familiar with this dossier, as well as list of known accomplices (toast, cheese).

Known facts about Vegemite:
When it comes to Vegemite, the less you eat, the better.

  • Some kind of paste
  • Made from some kind of yeast
  • Invariably described as an acquired taste
  • Beloved in Australia
  • Despised elsewhere
  • Not Marmite
  • Like Marmite
  • Scrape, don’t spread!

 

Suspect is reported to have been using disguises to infiltrate international larders. Recorded identities:


Vegemite spotted in Antarctica
Alias: Unknown. After being tracked down in Antarctica, Vegemite slipped through investigators’ fingers when a nearby American research station exploded. Vegemite is wanted in connection with the suspicious deaths of several scientists immediately prior to the accident.

 

Alias: Vegemijo "Cabinet" Sanchez
Alias: Senor Vegemijo “Cabinet” Sanchez, spotted in Guadelajara by local journalists.

Alias: Vegemijo "Cabinet" Sanchez

S.A.L.A.D. is uncertain as to the reason for Vegemite’s appearance in Central America, as it appears never to have had any business in the area.

 

ALERT: Vegemite has been disguising itself as Nutella in American kitchens
Alias: Nutella. Vegemite has been known to disguise itself as a popular chocolate hazelnut spread, presumably for nefarious purposes.

 

Reluctant agent resources utilized for investigation:

Codename Knuckle Salad
Codename:

Knuckle Salad

Blogger / instigator.

John
Codename:

Jern

Previous missions:
Knuckle Salad vs. Natto (failed); Knuckle Salad vs. Wiener Winks (dubiously successful).

Diana
Codename

Sweet D

Daring and analytical. And daring.

Footage recovered from the mission:

Updated dossier:

  • Suspect less foodlike than anticipated
  • Salty; very salty indeed
  • Ruthlessly weaponizes flavor of despair
  • In order to produce adequately thin “scrape” of Vegemite as advised by HQ, agents may require aid of commercial microscope and precision tools
  • Slightly more tolerable when flavor is masked with honey, in the way that a dirty foot with honey tastes better than plain foot

Investigators’ report to S.A.L.A.D:

Mission successful. Suspect neutralized to back of pantry.

Request for additional intelligence:

Minimum security clearance required to aid in supplemental investigation: If one were to slather oneself in Vegemite, would the salt in fact leach moisture from the body, rendering one a helpless Vegemummy? S.A.L.A.D. requests this intelligence earnestly from all citizens wishing to help defend the world from sticky death paste. Your cooperation is appreciated.

Signing off.

Kristina

Kristina Ackerman is a busy freelance web designer, living and DIYing with her fella and their little fella in a cute old house in Atlanta, GA, USA.

  • http://twitter.com/akabaka uosuıʌ ǝoɾ

    HOW did I miss the natto experiment?

    • http://knucklesalad.com Kristina Ackerman

      Ha! It was easy to miss because there was never a post about it. It was just in the sidebar for a while.

  • http://twitter.com/GayleCochrane Gayle Cochrane

    Kraft doesn’t make beer – pretty much sums it up. Fun. 

  • vivian-li

    Love this funny spoof article. I’ve always loved Marmite. Vegemite on the other hand, should be fed to Guantanamo inmates.