Portal jello shots: You’ll know when the test starts
Congratulations! The simple fact that you’re sitting here reading this means you’re about to make a glorious, boozy contribution to science. You’re not part of the control group, by the way. You get the jello!
I don’t play a lot of video games these days, but I love Portal, and most recently, Portal 2. They’re fantastic. Remember that time GLaDOS was a potato? And the other part when Wheatley told you to say “apple” but you couldn’t? Man, those were great times. I miss those times. We all do.
Sometimes it’s enough just to sit around and remember how great it was to play Portal, but that kind of nostalgia, as with recollections of bygone opportunities and once-happy romances, often leads to bitter and sorrowful bouts of binge drinking. Avoid one of the red flags of alcoholism by turning your Portal pity party into an actual party, with friends and a signature beverage, all sitting around reminiscing about Portal together. At least, the friends will be reminiscing; the beverage might be pondering the unpleasantness of being drunk.
Liquid beverages aren’t sciencey at all, though, so if you were to choose a regular cocktail as your signature beverage you’d inevitably wind up disappointed and alone. That’s why it has to be jello shots.
We haven’t entirely nailed down what element it is yet, but I’ll tell you this: it’s a lively one! (Jiggle, jiggle.)
I guess you could just make some orange jello and some blue jello in whatever flavors are typically associated with orange and blue jello (orange and… raspberry? blueberry? hypothermia?) and be done with it. But to do so would be both unsciencey and unportallike, because portals aren’t one color. They’re all, you know, swirly, so your jello should be swirly too.
And since you’re already going to the trouble of making your jello both swirly and boozy, it might as well taste terrific. Not like stupid raspberry hypothermia. For instance, one swirly boozy jello portal could taste like gin and lime, and the other—I’m just spitballing here—could taste of sweet oranges and vanilla, like a creamsicle, in just the right lovely shade of swirly-portal-orange.
That’s probably exactly how portals would taste if you licked them. They would also set your hair on fire, so don’t actually do it.
Now who’s ready to make some science?
Notes: Although I could have done my science from scratch, Jelly Shot Test Kitchen has such a knack for testing that instead I referred to and adapted this Polyjuice Potion recipe which, it might interest you to know, is a Harry Potter themed jello shot. But back to Portal: You’ll be making two kinds of jello for each shot, then swirling them together, so you’ll repeat the same process four times with different ingredients. As a first-timer, it took me under 30 minutes to get everything into the fridge, and another 30 to achieve an optimal level of setness before combining each pair of jellos. Your mileage may vary. Now pick up a rifle and head to the kitchen. You’ll know when the test starts.
Blue Portal Jello Shots
- 1/2 cup lime sherbet
- 1/2 cup water
- 2 envelopes Knox gelatin
- 2 oz blue curacao
- 1/2 cup ginger ale
- 1/2 cup gin
- Melt sherbet in a medium bowl.
- Place water into a small saucepan and sprinkle 1 envelope of the gelatin on top. Let it sit for about a minute, then heat slowly over low heat, stirring constantly, until gelatin has completely dissolved. Add to sherbet bowl, along with 1.5 oz (1 shot) of the blue curacao. Cover and chill.
- Place ginger ale into small saucepan and sprinkle the other envelope of gelatin on top. Let it sit for about a minute, then heat slowly over low heat, stirring constantly, until gelatin has completely dissolved. Add gin and remaining curacao, cover, and chill.
- Wait 20–30 minutes, until the sherbet mixture has begun to solidify and the gin mixture has just thickened. Stir both, then pour the gin mixture into a loaf pan and drop spoonfuls of the sherbet mixture in, swirling it with a spoon to create a gloppy marbling effect. Cover and return to fridge until fully set.
- When set, slice into the desired shape.
Orange Portal Jello Shots
- 1/2 cup orange sherbet
- 1/2 cup water
- 2 envelopes Knox gelatin
- 1/2 cup ginger ale
- 1/2 cup vanilla rum
- 1 drop yellow food coloring (optional; slightly brightens color of completed shot)
- Melt sherbet in a medium bowl.
- Place water into a small saucepan and sprinkle 1 envelope of the gelatin on top. Let it sit for about a minute, then heat slowly over low heat, stirring constantly, until gelatin has completely dissolved. Add to sherbet bowl, cover, and chill.
- Place ginger ale into small saucepan and sprinkle the other envelope of gelatin on top. Let it sit for about a minute, then heat slowly over low heat, stirring constantly, until gelatin has completely dissolved. Add rum (and optional drop of yellow food coloring), cover, and chill.
- Wait 20–30 minutes, until the sherbet mixture has begun to solidify and the rum mixture has thickened. Stir both, then pour the rum mixture into a loaf pan and drop spoonfuls of the sherbet mixture in, swirling it with a spoon to create a gloppy marbling effect. Cover and return to fridge until fully set.
- When set, slice into the desired shape.
Presentation: To create an Aperture Science logo, slice jello into eight congruent isosceles triangles and arrange as shown. Although it depends on the shape and size of the pan you use, each recipe should yield two Aperture Science logos, so a full blue recipe and a full orange recipe will make four logos; this can of course be increased or decreased by varying the size of the triangles.
