Poached Eggs

Cheaters Never Prosper: The Poached Egg Story

I’m here to tell you about the spectacular way that I prepare instant grits in about five minutes, but first I need to complain about eggs.

Poached Eggs

All that flapdoodle about how poaching eggs is a big stupid deal and it’s really hard to get it right and if you can do it then you’re fancy and everyone should learn how because when you finally make a proper one it’s soooo worth it? Well. I can tell you for sure that the part about it being difficult is way true, but I can’t comment on the other part.

I’ve spent all morning and some of the afternoon trying to get even one lousy egg right, and that was with the help of the egg-poaching training wheels (the Poach Pod) I got for Christmas. Without it, I guess I would’ve wound up passed out on the kitchen floor covered in egg slime, because apparently it’s even more impossible without the Poach Pod. I can scarcely imagine.

Poach Pod

Now, a lot of you have probably poached the hell out of some eggs, and I don’t mean to call anybody a liar. But after today I have a growing suspicion that poached eggs are a hoax originated by the egg farmers of America to trick millions of ambitious home cooks into cooking and wasting six times as many eggs as they can possibly eat in pursuit of an elusive (and totally fabricated) result, and that those same cooks must then bluff about their successful egg-poaching exploits or risk culinary humiliation. You’ll be pleased to know that I, however, didn’t waste my eggs. So I guess now we know how I die.

The closest I ever got to a poached egg was this half-cooked yolk experience with butter on it and craters all over from where the water dripped down from the lid because cooking it uncovered left me with dry, solid yolks. I’m not saying it wasn’t a tasty egg; I’m just saying the grits were better, and they didn’t take all day. I will revisit this egg thing again in the future. Today belongs to grits.

Poached Eggs

Instant grits can be heavenly with a little extra attention, and they still only take about five minutes. As you probably know, when you prepare them with water according to the package directions, the grits don’t actually taste like much. But if you make them this way instead, you won’t need to hide them with butter. Or cheese-food. Or table salt. And the only added work involves mincing a little bit of garlic—which can even be replaced with a spoonful of packaged minced garlic in a pinch.

Creamy garlic grits
[recipe]

Creamy garlic grits

Serves 4

  • 2 cloves garlic
  • 1 cup chicken broth
  • 1/4 cup cream
  • 1/4 cup water
  • Freshly ground black pepper (to taste)
  • 2 cups instant grits
  1. Mince the garlic.
  2. In a small saucepan, bring the broth, cream, water, garlic, and oh, say 1/2 tsp of pepper to a boil.
  3. Stir in the grits, cover, and remove from heat.
  4. Wait 1 minute.
  5. Fluff and taste; add more pepper if necessary. Serve immediately.
[/recipe]